next saturday

As with belly Squirt, I have entered the mists between the estimated due date and the Earth-side arrival of the little human I've been growing this year. It is, both, surreal and stressful. Once entered, you just wander blindly, not knowing what to expect or where it will end - you simply cannot know. You wonder, you worry, you dream, you wait... and wait... and wait. The mist could lift at any moment, bringing your little one into your arms for the first time! ... or it could linger for weeks, leaving you wondering every night if it will be the night. In hindsight, it is a magical time - the last moments of this strange miraculous existence. But in the moment, it can be torture - the anticipation. When will my baby come to me? Why hasn't my baby come? How will the birth go? Will my baby be healthy? I think it's impossible to not go a little bit mad while in this mist, and it is so hard to stay present in the moment and cherish every day.

As I worry and wonder and wait, I realize that, one way or another, I will have baby Deuce in my arms next Saturday (not this upcoming Saturday, but the next Saturday). Wow. Just wow. This whole pregnancy - this whole year so far! - I've been preparing for this little one. Since before conception, I've been slowly stocking up on little necessities and cute little outfits  while trying to emotionally prepare for the birth. I've been talking with Squirt about what to expect - what the birth might be like, what the baby might be like, what being a big sister might be like. But for some reason, the baby was just an abstraction. I was so caught up in getting ready, that the realness of this little one never really sank into my mind and heart. But now, over nine full months into this journey, by simply saying "I will be holding this baby next Saturday", the baby has suddenly shifted from this abstract concept to a real creature. This is a little human! A squishy, snuggly baby who will all too quickly grow from a tiny, helpless creature into an independent, unique, and spirited small human who is running around everywhere, getting into everything, and expressing very strong Opinions about life, the universe, and everything (if this one is anything like Squirt, that is). This pregnancy, and this entire year (which is pretty much how long the pregnancy has lasted), has been so surreal. It feels almost like a whirlwind dream that hasn't really happened to me. I feel almost like, at any moment, I will wake up in the autumn of last year with Squirt still two and this year still a closed door... Soon, though, very soon, things will get very real as we finally welcome Deuce into our arms and the very real realness of life as a family of four really settles. We're all pretty anxious, but also pretty excited about this new adventure and the wonderful things the lifting mist may reveal.

Totally gratuitous pictures of Squirt washing the car on a warm September afternoon...

what i can do

 "Dad! Daaad! DAD! Look what I can do!" This seems to be Squirt's phrase of the week, right before she shows off some new acrobatic feat, or interpretive dance move, or totally crazy funny face, or... well, anything. Moreso than ever, she's so expressive and adventurous. She wants, more and more, to do everything herself, learning new skills as she goes (much to my delight, she can almost make a pot of coffee all by herself!).

With Deuce's arrival just around the corner, I see that Squirt has been struggling to really understand and find peace with the big changes. It started sometime last month when she became really, really clingy with me, which quickly ramped into unprecedented separation anxiety most days. She became increasingly worried about my wellbeing and was so positive that every time I left her (even to go into another room in the house), I would not come back. Some days she's great and babbles on about the new baby, but some days she won't leave my side. We started reading books about welcoming a new baby and what to expect, and have talked and talked (and talked and talked) about what's happening, and what's going to happen. At times, she seems to understand and seems excited to become a big sister, but at other times, she is so scared of the giant unknown. Just the other day, she told daddy she thought I was dying... All I can really do is comfort and try to reassure her, but I just don't see this getting any better until Deuce arrives and she sees that everything is fine. I feel like I'm in a strange, almost timeless in-betweeney bubble right now. Deuce could come any moment... or not for another couple weeks... I want to try and treasure this sacred time - the last moments of my last pregnancy, the last moments as a family of three - but it's hard. The anticipation is so heavy that it's almost a physical presence wrapped around my family. It's such a magical, mysterious time (a friend recently referred to me, as a pregnant woman, as a miracle, which, despite openly disagreeing with, privately thought was poignant). But really, I think we're all ready to transition from this in-betweeney state of wonder and worry and welcome Deuce into the family, getting over the intial bumps, finding our new groove, and moving forward as a family of four. Soon.

Still not a morning person, especially on Mondays...

She asked dad to take this picture.

 

 

"DAAAAAAD!"

Trying to help her learn to swing by herself (I'm just over 39 weeks along with Deuce).