one year ago

One year ago today, I found out I was pregnant with Deuce. It's so hard to believe that was a year ago - it seems like just yesterday! It feels like the entire year was a crazy, intense dream, from which I am just now waking up; though, I am waking up to two tiny, (sometimes) smiling humans. (How did that even happen?!) This week, the weight of the past year, and the changes it brought, really settled into my bones. My life, my family, my heart have grown and transformed into something new. Moreso than I ever felt before, I really feel like "mom" now. When Squirt calls me "momma", it really sinks in deep. *I* am momma. I am everything to these tiny, wonderful humans. I grew them, birthed them, nursed them, nurtured them. They carry my heart and are pieces of me - the best pieces.

Realizing today marks one year from the start of my pregnancy with Deuce is bittersweet. The year was quite an adventure, but I feel I missed so much precious time with Squirt as I was busy getting through the tough pregnancy. Looking at her now, as I'm coming out of the haze that was the last twelve months, I see a kid - not my baby, not my toddler, but a kid. And not just any kid, but a big sister - a wonderful big sister. She has grown and changed so much this past year, stepping effortlessly into her role as the big sister, a role she takes very seriously. I feel like I missed so much of her transformation to the nausea, fatigue, discomforts...

But now Deuce is here! And I'm starting to come out of that mythical "fourth trimester" as I settle into my new life and new groove. I see what a wonderful treasure I hold in my arms - these two. No matter how rough her day has been, seeing Deuce always makes Squirt happy, and he is always all smiles for her. Watching their love and relationship continue to bloom makes all the rough patches of this last year more than worth it! Now that I'm starting to settle into our new dynamic, I resolve to be ever more present in the precious moments I share with my family because, before I know it, I'll blink and another year will pass. Deuce will be a toddler and Squirt will be in kindergarten. I want to soak up these squishy cheeks, giant eyes, and warm snuggles before they're gone.

deuce!

On a drizzly, cool October afternoon, with balloons dotting the sky and fluffy clouds rolling down the mountains, baby Deuce came Earth-side, filling our hearts and family with more love than we ever dreamed possible.

 

Squirt's last nap on the giant Deuce-belly.

My cute and excited visitor as we awaited Deuce's arrival.

The last pic of belly Deuce, just a couple hours before he arrived.

 

I've waited my whole life, it seems, for this moment.

Precious baby-guy.

So wee, even his newborn onesies were too big.

Introduction.

He made a noise...

 

Falling in love.

Welcome home, sweet baby-guy. The world will never be the same.

 

<3

next saturday

As with belly Squirt, I have entered the mists between the estimated due date and the Earth-side arrival of the little human I've been growing this year. It is, both, surreal and stressful. Once entered, you just wander blindly, not knowing what to expect or where it will end - you simply cannot know. You wonder, you worry, you dream, you wait... and wait... and wait. The mist could lift at any moment, bringing your little one into your arms for the first time! ... or it could linger for weeks, leaving you wondering every night if it will be the night. In hindsight, it is a magical time - the last moments of this strange miraculous existence. But in the moment, it can be torture - the anticipation. When will my baby come to me? Why hasn't my baby come? How will the birth go? Will my baby be healthy? I think it's impossible to not go a little bit mad while in this mist, and it is so hard to stay present in the moment and cherish every day.

As I worry and wonder and wait, I realize that, one way or another, I will have baby Deuce in my arms next Saturday (not this upcoming Saturday, but the next Saturday). Wow. Just wow. This whole pregnancy - this whole year so far! - I've been preparing for this little one. Since before conception, I've been slowly stocking up on little necessities and cute little outfits  while trying to emotionally prepare for the birth. I've been talking with Squirt about what to expect - what the birth might be like, what the baby might be like, what being a big sister might be like. But for some reason, the baby was just an abstraction. I was so caught up in getting ready, that the realness of this little one never really sank into my mind and heart. But now, over nine full months into this journey, by simply saying "I will be holding this baby next Saturday", the baby has suddenly shifted from this abstract concept to a real creature. This is a little human! A squishy, snuggly baby who will all too quickly grow from a tiny, helpless creature into an independent, unique, and spirited small human who is running around everywhere, getting into everything, and expressing very strong Opinions about life, the universe, and everything (if this one is anything like Squirt, that is). This pregnancy, and this entire year (which is pretty much how long the pregnancy has lasted), has been so surreal. It feels almost like a whirlwind dream that hasn't really happened to me. I feel almost like, at any moment, I will wake up in the autumn of last year with Squirt still two and this year still a closed door... Soon, though, very soon, things will get very real as we finally welcome Deuce into our arms and the very real realness of life as a family of four really settles. We're all pretty anxious, but also pretty excited about this new adventure and the wonderful things the lifting mist may reveal.

Totally gratuitous pictures of Squirt washing the car on a warm September afternoon...

what i can do

 "Dad! Daaad! DAD! Look what I can do!" This seems to be Squirt's phrase of the week, right before she shows off some new acrobatic feat, or interpretive dance move, or totally crazy funny face, or... well, anything. Moreso than ever, she's so expressive and adventurous. She wants, more and more, to do everything herself, learning new skills as she goes (much to my delight, she can almost make a pot of coffee all by herself!).

With Deuce's arrival just around the corner, I see that Squirt has been struggling to really understand and find peace with the big changes. It started sometime last month when she became really, really clingy with me, which quickly ramped into unprecedented separation anxiety most days. She became increasingly worried about my wellbeing and was so positive that every time I left her (even to go into another room in the house), I would not come back. Some days she's great and babbles on about the new baby, but some days she won't leave my side. We started reading books about welcoming a new baby and what to expect, and have talked and talked (and talked and talked) about what's happening, and what's going to happen. At times, she seems to understand and seems excited to become a big sister, but at other times, she is so scared of the giant unknown. Just the other day, she told daddy she thought I was dying... All I can really do is comfort and try to reassure her, but I just don't see this getting any better until Deuce arrives and she sees that everything is fine. I feel like I'm in a strange, almost timeless in-betweeney bubble right now. Deuce could come any moment... or not for another couple weeks... I want to try and treasure this sacred time - the last moments of my last pregnancy, the last moments as a family of three - but it's hard. The anticipation is so heavy that it's almost a physical presence wrapped around my family. It's such a magical, mysterious time (a friend recently referred to me, as a pregnant woman, as a miracle, which, despite openly disagreeing with, privately thought was poignant). But really, I think we're all ready to transition from this in-betweeney state of wonder and worry and welcome Deuce into the family, getting over the intial bumps, finding our new groove, and moving forward as a family of four. Soon.

Still not a morning person, especially on Mondays...

She asked dad to take this picture.

 

 

"DAAAAAAD!"

Trying to help her learn to swing by herself (I'm just over 39 weeks along with Deuce).

 

 

 

girls' weekend

Dad-o recently went out of town for a weekend-long conference, leaving 34-week pregnant me and Squirt alone for a treasured "girls' weekend." We've had a few of these, and always look forward to the special "just us" time to have marathon viewing sessions of all manner of super girlie shows, paint our nails all manner of super sparkly colors, gorge ourselves on all manner of delicious things (shh, don't tell dad), and, generally, just hang out and do whatever the heck we want to do whenever the heck we want to do it without that dad-guy being all guyish and stuff... This girl's weekend was extra special; I entered it overwhelmed by its bittersweetness. It was the last girls' weekend - the last time it would be "just us". By the next time dad-o had to go out of town, there would be another member of the family - it would then be just the three of us, but no longer just me and Squirt. That's wonderful! But there is a bit of loss to that, too. Everything will be different. So I resolved to make the absolute most of our last weekend, just the two of us. But once the weekend came, I had no idea what to do to commemorate this almost sacred last "girls' weekend". Really, in the end, we celebrated by simply experiencing it. And it was beautiful. I will always look back fondly on the very special times it was just me and little Squirt - and we'll have many wonderful experiences in the future where it's just the two of us again - but this last weekend marked the end of an era, and now we start to really prepare for the new addition, opening our home and hearts to little Deuce and the wonderful changes this little person will bring.

My little flower picked me a flower (well, the petals anyway).

 

 

 

Me, Squirt, and belly Deuce.

 

honey

A few weeks ago, I realized Squirt has an imaginary friend. Honey. For a while, she called everyone "honey," a cute quirk picked up from her new teacher at daycare. It always made me smile when she referred to me as "honey" - not something you really expect from your three year old. Before long, she stopped calling people "honey," but the word stayed in her vocabulary. She'd prattle on about "honey" this and "honey" that, and I just couldn't figure it out. I thought she might be talking about friends at daycare or role-playing her day, which she still often does. The realization that this wasn't her referencing an absent friend, but an imaginary and very present friend finally dawned on me after a handful of VERY tearful daycare pickups. When we got in the car - not when we left the room full of what I thought were her potential "honeys" - she would become hysterical about me leaving "Honey" behind in the parking lot.

One afternoon, soooo not ready for another melt-down, I just stood back and let her set the pace as we left daycare. I watched, finally getting it, as she opened the back door opposite "her" side, pretended to put something in the seat, and snapped the seat belt. Then, with no fuss, she climbed in the other side of the car and got into her own car seat. "What did you just do?" I asked as I helped her snap on her belts. "I put Honey's seat belt on." Ooooooooooh! Everything makes so much sense now. Everywhere we go, Honey is with us. His size varies, from very, very tiny, to very, very large. From what she described, he basically looks just like Sully from Monsters, Inc. - fuzzy and blue with purple spots, though I'm sure that varies, too. Every time we get into or out of the car, she has to help Honey (and trust me, it is absolutely not worth rushing or skipping that step!). Most of the times she uses the potty, she has to help Honey go, too. When we go to a park, she pushes Honey on a swing, and at mealtimes, she feeds Honey bites. I wonder if Honey is a part of her day at school... It is indescribably fascinating to watch her imagination continue to develop and sometimes catch a glimpse of the way she sees the world.

Last night, she told me a story as she played in the bath. There were dragons coming into the bath - "two of them," she pointed out, with two little fingers raised. These were not nice dragons, as they sometimes are, but "big, mean dragons" who were coming "to fight!" She explained that they were coming to splash us and fight us and "ROOOOOOAR" (she is very, very good at dragon roars). They were going to try and take the baby, but it's ok because baby is in the belly and she'd fight them off. I asked how she would be able to figut two big, fierce dragons, and she said she'd use her "hero superpowers!" I asked if she would want daddy to help. Her response: "No, I can do it myself. I'm strong. I have powers!" Then, in the bubbly bath, she enacted a dramatic fight with these dragons, bubbles, water, and, I'm sure, blazing dragon fire spraying everywhere. Finally, she wipes her brow and says, "whew, they're gone now" and carries on with her bath as if nothing had happened. Like I mentioned above, watching her imagination grow, glimpsing a bit of her world, is nothing short of magical.

And now, here are just a few of the many, many, MANY expressions that come with her imaginative adventures.

Her "huh?" face.

Cheesy cheese.

 

She is a scary dragon. ROOOAR!

summertime

We have been taking it pretty easy this summer, for one obvious reason (being pregnant in the summer is not fun - I'll just leave it at that). We do have a little garden going, though it hasn't been getting the TLC it needs to produce much, and had Squirt's pool set up before the monsoons came - now we try to visit a public pool once a week, instead. I think it's worth noting that Squirt is now absolutely obsessed with dresses. We haven't been out-and-about very much at all since the temperatures started climbing, though we did ride the tram up to Sandia Peak (Squirt and daddy's first time on it!) before they closed down the mountain, which they seem to do every year around the Fourth of July. Mostly, we've just been trying to keep cool at home while fantasizing about the joys of fall - roasted chile, balloons, crisp air, pumpkin everything, gløgg! ... there's something else happening this fall... oh right, and a new baby! I've never been more eager for October!

A little glamour on the Fourth of July.

She was *very* proud of the beet she harvested.

She grew this sunflower all by herself!

Bacon!!!

 

Ready for her learner's permit... almost.

 

Warpaint! And her beloved "crabby" shirt.

So excited to cool off in her pool! 

 

 

Those cheekies... <3