a little perspective

Squirt's tantrums have reached a new level. I thought wailing, kicking, and throwing herself dramatically onto the floor was as far as it would go. Well, I have learned a very valuable lesson in her one-uppery skills. Yesterday at daycare, she threw the worst tantrum they ever saw (they had the audacity to take away her sippy cup after she had repeatedly been dumping it out on the table), culminating in her holding her breath long enough for her lips to turn blue. Understandably, her caregivers were scared and promptly gave her back her cup (and an extra snack and a hug and a toy...). I was initially very frustrated by this whole situation - first off by her behavior, and then because they "gave in." I started wondering what I would do if she ever did something like that with me and started to worry that she would start holding her breath now all the time just to get something that she wanted... I began to see my precious, kind-hearted little girl as a manipulative, selfish brat, which just didn't seem to fit and hurt my heart to think. I started to brainstorm about what I needed to do to "improve" her behavior.

But then I talked with my midwife, who shared her experiences and helped me to see this situation from a different perspective. Right now, Squirt is full of thoughts and emotions (obviously) about the world around her that she can't yet effectively communicate. She's frustrated, scared, excited, you name it. She has big, big feelings that she wants to share, but we just don't get them, and that makes her more frustrated. On top of this, in retrospect, her biggest tantrums seem to stem from her confusion. I have always taught her to share, explore, and try new things. She has quite an outburst when I don't share something with her (oh, like my glass of wine), let her explore somewhere (like the busy street), or let her try something new (like sticking a pen in the power outlet). She doesn't understand why these actions are "bad" when other, similar actions are ok.

Thinking about it like this has definitely changed my approach. It's not her behavior that needs to be improved upon; instead, I need to improve my ability to empathize and better understand her perspective. I need to learn ways to communicate more effectively with her while teaching her more effective means of expression. I think consistency will also be key here. If something is "bad," it needs to always be "bad," not just when I'm on a short fuse. The same is true of "good" things - they can't be "bad" when I'm having a bad day.

While I have no doubts that I have countless more tantrums in my future, I hope this new perspective of them will help me to diffuse them easier and, perhaps, prevent some from even starting. I also hope to be able to better communicate with Squirt so we can be happier and grow together even more.

Frustrated that nobody "gets" it. It's tough being a baby!

How could this innocent little creature ever have a hissy fit?

two weeks and one day

Today was Squirt's "due date" last year. Little did we know at the time, however, that she was not going to join our family for another two weeks and one day. We were so very ready to meet her and I, personally, was getting pretty tired of being pregnant - nine months and a billion days and counting...

Those two weeks and one day were, without a doubt, the longest days of my life, each drawing out impossibly more than the last. On the other hand, these upcoming two weeks and one day seem like the shortest of my life, each one taking me ever closer to my beloved girl's first birthday. Where did this year go? I look at my little, giggling girl as she runs and babbles and dances, not even a year old, and wonder where my sweet baby went. It seems like just yesterday she was this strange traveler in my belly, kicking books off my belly and tickling my ribs with her toes. Now she is on the outside, laying against my belly as she flips through those books, still tickling my ribs with her toes.

I can't imagine a day without this strange little traveler. She is such a delight. Now to try and savor these last fleeting moments of her infancy...

Two weeks and one day shy of one year old.

Cheesing it up.

Enjoying her freedom! There is so much world to explore.

staying put

For the last several weeks, I have been tossing around the concept of moving Squirt to another daycare center when she turns one. I am not, nor ever have been, completely excited about her current center. They don't allow cloth diapers, they don't allow outside food, and babies over twelve months have to wear "real" shoes. I really lost it when foods like Cheerios and saltine crackers started repeatedly popping up on Squirt's food log (she has a doctor's note on file forbidding gluten). And so began my search for the "ideal" daycare center. This was a very emotional search for me. It reminded me how little time I get to spend with Squirt during the day and I loathe the fact that I can't be with her more. Frustrated, sad, I interviewed several centers and home providers, asked billions of questions, but none of them seemed good enough. This place allows cloth diapers, but not outside food. That place helps with potty training and allows outside food, but is over $200 a week. That other place allows breastmilk and soft-soled shoes/bare feet after twelve months, but is on the opposite side of town... It was very tiring. After some serious heartache and alot of hard thought, I finally decided to keep Squirt in her current daycare center. The biggest reason being proximity - she is currently mere minutes away from me. I can easily visit her every single day during my lunch break and still have time to eat. If she's having a particularly rough day, I can just pop in for a few minutes. If she has an accident, I can be there almost immediately.

The day that I made this decision something happened to validate that it was the best one. That afternoon, when I walked out of the center with her to go home all of the streets were a parking lot. The base gates were locked down and traffic was at a standstill. It was backed up so much that I couldn't even back my car out of our parking spot! So I dropped her belongings off in my car, walked through the cars full of exasperated workers, and went straight to the park across the street. We played there for the half hour that everyone else was stuck in traffic waiting to start moving. It was wonderful. Had I decided to transfer her to another center, I wouldn't have been able to get to her! I would have been stressed and she would have been lonely. This event just reminded me that spending time with her is more important than almost anything right now.

So today, a beautiful, warm Friday afternoon, I decided to take her out on a long-overdue lunch date. I packed up some food, whisked her out of daycare, and took her across the street to the park. We ate and played and had a wonderful time. It was a wonderful escape, and one we couldn't have had if she had transferred to a different center. I think, for now, we're staying put.

Swinging away the time and waiting for traffic to start moving.

Running through the grass on our lunch date.

Playing on our lunch date.

Getting ready to make music on the chimes at the playground.

Staying put.