home stretch

Earlier this week, as time rolled ever onward, I waddled into my third trimester. As rough as the first two have been, I'm surprised that I'm surprised. It felt like every day in the first two was a test of my endurance just to make it through the day, yet despite that, I still can't believe I'm "already" in the third trimester, the home stretch!

This pregnancy has been so intense, yet strangely surreal. Given that this will be my last planned pregnancy, I went into it planning to savor it, to really treasure such a miraculous experience, but Deuce had other plans. The nausea was debilitating from almost the moment of implantation through most of the second trimester. Before that even let up, well before my third trimester when I expected it, my SI joint and hips began shifting out of place, causing pain so intense sometimes it took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. And the fatigue, oh the fatigue. The level of exhaustion I've felt every single day with this one... I've never felt so drained, and that's saying something considering how very little sleep I got with tiny Squirt! Looking back from where I cling on this third trimester ledge, I do not recall a single "good" day, a day where I could truly "enjoy" the wonder of what my body was doing - because every day, my body was doing *something* that made me wonder if I could even get through. Squirt's pregnancy, which had it's challenges - especially in the last trimester - looks like a cake walk compared to this one. Given how unpleasant my pregnancy with Squirt became in the third trimester, I'm pretty apprehensive of how much *worse* this one can get. I'm hoping, though, that maybe I'll still get a golden trimester. Most women have theirs in the second, when they feel great. Maybe I'll get some of that in the third! One can hope. I still want to "savor" this pregnancy...

Every time I catch myself complaining about how rough it's been, I do, however, remind myself to stop and realize exactly what I'm doing - I'm growing another little human! I watch Squirt go about her adventures and realize that I'm doing THAT again! And that is amazing. I am connected to this tiny little soul, providing it's every need. As I watch Squirt in her attempts at world domination, I realize that soon there will be four little feet, four little hands, two bright smiles melting my heart. I am giving her the gift of a sibling while she and Deuce are giving me the gift of more love than I ever imagined possible. As I connect more with this little human inside of me, I am realizing that your heart doesn't portion out the love you already have when you grow your family; rather, your heart grows exponentially to love even more. And that is what makes the last two trimesters melt away. Looking back, I would go through everything I went through bringing Squirt into the world a million times for her. And, really, I would go through the last two trimesters a million times for tiny Deuce. These little ones are worth it all. So I will keep climbing up that steep slope to the peak while trying my best to enjoy the view along the way.

Contemplative Deuce at 27 weeks.

 

whatever

Whatever. This is a new term Squirt discovered this past week. It's first use was: "What-evah, dad. What-evah." I think I speak for both of us when I say that I don't know if we should laugh or cry at this new development... both, probably. Similarly, when she's upset with someone, she'll tell them she's not their friend. Fickle three year old. A few weeks back, I even got an "I can't love you" when I really ticked her off... Note the use of "can't" - not only is she so upset that she no longer loves me, she actually can't love me. *sigh*

But she's not always a little toddler monster. So often, she is a vibrant ball of energy. One of her favorite games right now is to pretend to be mommy or the teacher - you know she's playing this role playing game when she starts calling you "honey." When that happens, don't make the mistake of calling her by her name. Trust me on that one... I've had to relocate several of the pots in one of our kitchen cupboards because, gosh, it's her car, honey. She uses it to drive her honey's (usually Lambie, but sometimes another random doll) to "school", where she promises she'll come back later (and like every good mom, she always does). I enjoy watching her pretend to be mom or teacher because it gives me a glimpse into her day. She plays out various interactions she's had throughout the day (at least in the instances I know about, often verbatim, just with her as the mom and me or Lambie as her). It's interesting to see how she processes frustrating situations, like potty accidents or disagreements with other kids. If I want to know what's *really* going on with her at daycare, I just need to sit back and watch - sooner or later, she'll play out whatever situations really resonated with her.

That said, it really is delightful to just sit back quietly and watch her play. She is so imaginative and enthusiastic. There are dragons in the bathtub and fairies in the flowers. She can see thunder and has long conversations with Deuce, who talks about how crazy life is in the belly (and she talks all about her day, often in more detail than she actually tells me). She also has a "ghost friend" who lives in the bedroom by the window and keeps us safe while we sleep (he magically appeared the first day I cracked the window so the swamp cooler would cool the room)... She is always up to something, always exploring, always trying to find new things to do, which can be pretty exhausting. As always, it's so easy to get mired in the stressful, tiring parts of the day that we overlook the truly beautiful moments, which are countless. I just need to take a tip from her when I'm getting caught up in the stress of the moment and just shake it off with a big what-evah. These beautiful moments are too fleeting to be overlooked.

Not entirely sure what I stumbled upon in the back yard... whatever.

into three

We are now well into three. Squirt seems to be working her way over that big, birthday hump that seems to come every year. I have to say, so far, that the phrase should really be "terrible threes", rather than twos. It's been a pretty emotional, intense few weeks! Who knew such tiny people had such BIG opinions and feelings about the universe?! In all fairness, though, being a toddler must really suck. Everything is too big for you. You're not supposed to touch anything. Nobody understands you most of the time. You can't live off cookies and gummybears (two of Squirt's most favorite snacks/meals right now) - or at least nobody will let you. Your schedule is almost entirely dictated by other people, and you have very little say in the matter. Almost none of the really awesome, loud noises you figured out you can make are acceptable. You can't run around naked everywhere. Yo're expected to stop whatever awesome thing you're doing and use the frikin' toilet. You're not allowed to hit people who tick you off, rather, you're supposed to "use your words" - the very same words no one frikin' understands! So ok, ok. Obviously, there are reasons three is rough for everybody. But it's not all arsenic and venom. There are a lot of absolutely heart-melting moments that make me wish I could freeze time. Of course, I'm too exhausted and sleep-deprived to remember them all right now... So here are some snapshots of Squirt's adventures in three.

Birthday
We took Squirt to a "jumpy place" for her birthday (it's a facility filled with different jumpy houses - I'm really not sure what to call it). She was pretty apprehensive at first, but started having a blast once she figured things out. We gave her a big red wagon, which she now wants to take everywhere. Mostly, she just wants to pull it everywhere, but she'll sometimes actually *ride* in it.

Easter
We attended a now traditional potluck/egg hunt hosted by some dear friends. I tried to kill her early on (while carrying her across the park, I tripped and we both fell into the rocks! ouch!), but it, as always, was a blast. She seemed to have fun hunting for the eggs, though she was pretty slow about it...

 

At the zoo

Squirt asks to go to the zoo almost every week to see the "mam'imuls". I think the real reason she wants to go, though, is to feed the ducks - that seems to be her favorite thing to do there...

  

 

Her favorite mode of transport.

 

 

Out and about

 

Here we are checking out the new Railyard Market downtown.

 

 

Her first cotton candy.

 

... and hiking. Well... some of us. I'm so happy to have the mountains so close!

Hiking with my babies... Deuce is just over 20 weeks in this.

Keeping cool
Needless to say (but I'll say it anyway), it's going to be a long summer! I remember constantly being too hot when Squirt was in the belly. And that was in the dead of winter during a record-breaking cold snap! I'm already looking forward to fall, for so many, many reasons! But we'll do what we can to enjoy the long summer days and stay cool.

 This pool used to be a lot bigger...

 

"Neked" is her favorite state of being.

Always such a cool kid.



quick update

The last month since my last post has been quite the emotional whirlwind. Squirt turned three and entered the preschool room of her daycare, holidays came and went, and I reached the midpoint of this pregnancy (assuming this baby is more timely than Squirt). Poor Squirt has had a rough time transitioning into her new daycare room, which has an entirely different vibe than her prior ones. She's suddenly expected to be a big kid (and is suddenly with literally dozens more kids, all of whom are head and shoulders bigger than her) and misses the little comforts the teachers in her previous room provided. She's been expressing her frustrations and overall HUGE feelings at home more and more, and we're trying to help her find ways to feel more secure in her new room and better channel her fears and frustrations at home. I don't know if it's working, which has been very sad and frustrating for me. Not to mention that she's three. THREE!!! I just can't believe that. Especially now that I'm pregnant again, I find myself re-living her pregnancy/infancy, and it's so unbelievable that my tiny Squirt is now three.

Speaking of the belly baby, we're now halfway there. I hope the worst of it is behind me. I jokingly (or maybe not so jokingly) tell people that I wouldn't have gotten pregnant again if Squirt's pregnancy had been this rough. It's been a doozie. Every week there seems to be one more little thing causing discomfort, frustration, or stress. I'm trying to savor it as much as I can, but it's been so hard. We got a sneak peek at the little one, Deuce, earlier this week and were reassured that everything with the baby looks healthy. It sure is a cute kid. I can't stop looking at the print-out of that tiny face and marvelling how much it looks like Squirt (both when she was still in the belly and now). Meanwhile, Squirt is getting excited about the new baby. The evening of the ultrasound (which she attended), she asked to look in my mouth then excitedly proclaimed that she saw her little sibling in there. ... We'll work on her anatomy skills later.

She asked me to take this picture as "we" put away her laundry.

She loves riding in her new wagon.

On a lunch date at the Owl Cafe.

These two... she's always pushing him away, but it's so obvious she adores her daddy.

Bye bye, feet!

Deuce!

Deuce part deux.

Not always a toddler monster - my sweet baby is still in there <3

one week

In one week, just ONE week, Squirt turns three. It really feels like a big transition to me. She's been maturing and growing so fast recently. It feels like once we cross that line, she'll no longer be my baby, my tiny girl - she'll be my BIG girl, my preschooler. It's so bittersweet. I remember the first weeks with her, how every colicky day seemed to last a lifetime, and now here we are. Days away from preschool. A girlfriend has referred to her girl, just a week younger than Squirt, as three going on thirteen. That is so true. More and more, I see glimpses of the big kid, the teenager, the adult. As always, I'm so amazed at this unique, amazing person, and so thankful to have her in my life, and to be a part of hers.

In other news, it feels like there's a rave going on in my uterus. I've been feeling gentle thumps and the "bubbles" sensation off and on for a couple weeks now, but today, this little monster has been going to town. I cannot believe how early I've started feeling movements - with Squirt, it was pretty close to 20 weeks. I think I felt the light bubbles/butterfly wings sensations periodically around 16, but really didn't feel anything noticeable until much later. So this is crazy. If this is any sign of what's to come, wow... we're in for one heck of a ride with these two Tasmanian devils!

Tiny Squirt, doing what she did best those first several weeks.

Now she's almost all grown up.
Adore that crazy hair, those rosy cheeks, and dirty everything <3

two weeks and one day, part 3

This year's anniversary of Squirt's due date - two weeks and one very long day before her birthday - is all the more bittersweet now that there's another baby on the way. I spend a great deal of time thinking of what I will do differently as I prepare for the birth of Squirt's tiny sibling, and I deeply hope the experience will be both healing and uplifting; however, as I hope and prepare, I realize that nothing will ever change what happened with Squirt. We will never regain what we lost - those treasured first moments, that entire first week. I will never be the first to touch her, the first to welcome her to the world. I will forever feel the hurt of having the most glorious piece of my soul being taken from me, kept from me, while all I could hear was her crying for me. A piece of my heart will always be broken remembering the hours of needless isolation as we were kept apart before I could even touch her.

But, as I struggle to come to peace with Squirt's birth and make room for the new baby to have it's own experience, I also delight in the wonder of this tiny toddler. She and I bonded fiercely after she was born - I really do feel that obstacles I had to overcome just to spend time with her, and the time she had to spend without me after months of never being alone, deepened that bond. I hope we will always be close, that she will always come to me for comfort, love, and support - indeed, building that kind of relationships with her has become one of my greatest goals. It is with both joy and sadness that I watch her excitedly prepare to enter preschool. She is growing increasingly independent and, as always, opinionated. There are days she tells me to "go away" as I leave her at daycare. I leave proud to see her growing and finding her own place in this world, but sad to see that my place in her world is shrinking. Without fail, though, she greets me at the end of the day with a beaming smile, and my heart grows a few sizes.

As her third birthday stands like an exclamation point on the horizon, I reflect on this last year - on all of them, really - and am just so amazed how much she's changed (and how much she's remained the same). I love this age and wish I could just freeze time and stay here forever. She is still my snuggly, sweet little girl. I can still cure all boo-boos and scares with a hug and a kiss. She is small enough for me to carry and hold close, but big enough to explore the world at my side. She (mostly) sleeps through the night. She does have her tantrums, but she is able to tell me what's upsetting her and, usually, a tight hug and some tickles will make things better. The world to her is still beautiful and new, full of goodness and wonder - the scariest things are the imaginary spiders that lurk in her woolie pajama pants, and even they are pacified with a stern warning to stay away and go home to their moms.

I love this girl with all my heart, and I know she loves me just as much. I am so thankful for every moment we spend together and feel so blessed to have her in my life. While the upcoming two weeks and one day will be filled with remembrance of the challenges we had to overcome, they will also be filled with joy. The world is such a better place for having her presence, and I plan to savor the next 15 days with her as we approach the big three, the last birthday with just us. Happy almost birthday, Squirt. You're amazing.

 

Almost three.

here we go again

I'm long overdue for an update. The last few months have been quite the roller coaster for the little family that Wendt. In December, just before the holiday, hubby was laid off. The unexpected loss of his income made the holidays challenging. Thanks to the overwhelming generosity of some close friends, we were able to give Squirt some presents, a mini-Jul feast, and teach her the true meaning of the season - love and kindness. The dawn of the new year brought about more changes when the hubs decided to expand his knife business and make it his full-time job. Once again, thanks to the generosity of his friends, he has been able to acquire the equipment necessary to increase his production and has, since, been busy completely overhauling his shop.

In the midst of this turbulence and unsurety of what the future holds, our family grew by one teensy little spec. But don't let its size fool you. This one is already giving Squirt a run for her money. Whereas nausea and food aversions were not unheard of with belly-Squirt, they have become a miserable fact of life these last few months. Dad-o is pretty sure I technically suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum. I puked most days, and was constantly extremely nauseated, from pretty much the nano-second of implantation until the last week or so. *knock on wood* So far, this baby loves beans and hates bacon. It gave me a bit of a scare at our first prenatal appointment - the midwife couldn't find the heartbeat. *That* didn't concern me so much, since I know they're pretty tricky to find that early on. But she pursed her lips. THAT concerned me. The sonographer was able to squeeze us in first thing the next day, where I was reassured with a strong heartbeat and ridiculously active little human. If this little one is already jumping, kicking, and headbanging with such fervor, given belly Squirt versus toddler-monster Squirt, this is going to be one bumpy ride!