labor pains

Getting to this first birthday has proven surprisingly challenging. I knew to expect an emotional roller coaster, but wasn't prepared for the Kingda Ka... I'm happy and sad, elated and devastated, ok and meh. You name it, all at once.

I'm having a hard time just getting TO Squirt's birthday. I'm really scared of it. Crazy, but I am. I feel like my soul is vibrating a few inches outside of my body. The flashbacks have come back with a vengeance, but so, too, have the joyful memories. Right now, at this moment, the sense of isolation is strong, almost overpowering. All of the feelings of lonliness I've had this past year seem to have drawn together into one giant pool that I'm trying to wade through. I felt so lonely, but hopeful, in the weeks, days, hours before labor started. I felt so lonely and terrified as she was being taken from me. I felt so lonely, but determined, during the hospital stay. Then for a long period as I recovered, I just felt lonely. I needed more help, more hugs, more celebration of what I had accomplished, though I wasn't strong enough, emotionally or physically, to say such. On this roller coaster, I've relived the anger I've held this past year for the people closest to me. I've also relived the deep, unconditional love I have for those same people. I've bounced between a sense of utter defeat and empowerment.

One year ago this evening, I went into labor. It was exciting. It was good. Tomorrow is a strange day - one full day of labor. I had no sense of time or space. I was in this strange, silent bubble as I labored and screamed, as things went from optimistic and good to terrifying and painful. My bubble was shattered by a fast, flashing ambulance packed with loud, strange men... The next day, Lily was brought into the world by a complete stranger. And the universe became a better place. The world outside sang! Flowers bloomed fragrantly, rainbows kissed the sky, the moon smiled down on the earth! She came into the world not with a sigh or a whimper, but with a roaring scream: "I AM HERE!" My little warrior woman, born of the sword, came with a voice that would never be silenced.

My world - THE world - will never be the same. But for now, I just have to breathe through every wave of memory and emotion. While those last surges brought Squirt ever closer to me, now I wonder what these surges will bring. I hope they bring me on the other side, stronger, happier, balanced. I know these are just waves and will pass. Her birthday is the most amazing day of my life and is to be celebrated, regardless how it played out. Despite the challenge, or maybe because of it, her birth was an amazing, transformative experience. It underscored how very strong we both are and how truly treasured life is. What a wonderful day!

The big day is just around the corner.