next saturday

As with belly Squirt, I have entered the mists between the estimated due date and the Earth-side arrival of the little human I've been growing this year. It is, both, surreal and stressful. Once entered, you just wander blindly, not knowing what to expect or where it will end - you simply cannot know. You wonder, you worry, you dream, you wait... and wait... and wait. The mist could lift at any moment, bringing your little one into your arms for the first time! ... or it could linger for weeks, leaving you wondering every night if it will be the night. In hindsight, it is a magical time - the last moments of this strange miraculous existence. But in the moment, it can be torture - the anticipation. When will my baby come to me? Why hasn't my baby come? How will the birth go? Will my baby be healthy? I think it's impossible to not go a little bit mad while in this mist, and it is so hard to stay present in the moment and cherish every day.

As I worry and wonder and wait, I realize that, one way or another, I will have baby Deuce in my arms next Saturday (not this upcoming Saturday, but the next Saturday). Wow. Just wow. This whole pregnancy - this whole year so far! - I've been preparing for this little one. Since before conception, I've been slowly stocking up on little necessities and cute little outfits  while trying to emotionally prepare for the birth. I've been talking with Squirt about what to expect - what the birth might be like, what the baby might be like, what being a big sister might be like. But for some reason, the baby was just an abstraction. I was so caught up in getting ready, that the realness of this little one never really sank into my mind and heart. But now, over nine full months into this journey, by simply saying "I will be holding this baby next Saturday", the baby has suddenly shifted from this abstract concept to a real creature. This is a little human! A squishy, snuggly baby who will all too quickly grow from a tiny, helpless creature into an independent, unique, and spirited small human who is running around everywhere, getting into everything, and expressing very strong Opinions about life, the universe, and everything (if this one is anything like Squirt, that is). This pregnancy, and this entire year (which is pretty much how long the pregnancy has lasted), has been so surreal. It feels almost like a whirlwind dream that hasn't really happened to me. I feel almost like, at any moment, I will wake up in the autumn of last year with Squirt still two and this year still a closed door... Soon, though, very soon, things will get very real as we finally welcome Deuce into our arms and the very real realness of life as a family of four really settles. We're all pretty anxious, but also pretty excited about this new adventure and the wonderful things the lifting mist may reveal.

Totally gratuitous pictures of Squirt washing the car on a warm September afternoon...