engaged

I am currently undergoing an exercise of sorts - not one for my body or my brain, but for my family. Someone recently pointed me to  a blog series about "Ten Days of Intentional Parenting," and reading through the different exercises really inspired me. When reading the posts, I reflected on the last few weeks of time spent with Squirt. Quite some time ago, I did the math and came to the sobering conclusion that I spend more time away from Squirt than I do with her (awake), but I continued business as usual. I realized that - lately at least - I haven't been fully engaged when with Squirt. I'm either trying to get the dishes done, or dinner on the table, or any manner of anything else, and I'm constantly feeling like a bad mom, bad housekeeper, bad anything - it feels like everything is a compromise. While I have been working on our communication and trying to understand her needs better, which has led to a marked decrease in mega-meltdowns (yay!), I haven't been working on the quality of time we spend together.

This "ten days" exercise is helping me to refocus on what's truly important while helping me find a better balance in my life. One of the key take-away lessons I've gained from these exercises is to be more fully engaged when I'm with Squirt. No phones, no computer, no dishes - just her, if only for a few minutes each day. I have made it my goal to be fully engaged and connected with her in our few hours between work and bedtime on week nights. So far, I've put aside most of my routine chores to spend time with her, but now I'm trying to uncover ways I can include her in those tasks so they get done while we spend time together. That's tricky, but doable. She loves to "help" in the garden. She wants to help with the dishes, but I really don't want her to (yet)!

So far so good. The first afternoon I spent being "fully engaged" was tough. It was hard to stop fretting about the chores, the work, the emails. But she was so happy. Even though she has more teeth wreaking havoc on her tender gums and is pretty miserable about it, she's been surprisingly mellow and increasingly independent (go figure - being more "attached" leads to greater confidence and trust which leads to greater independence). And I love this time we share. It's become my emotional/mental reset button at the end of the day. Whereas before my day and it's stresses would cling to me all evening, now that I'm focusing more on my time with Squirt, they seem to all but dissolve on their own.

One of Squirt's favorite rituals right now is the bath. As the evening starts to draw to a close, sometimes she walks over to the gate at the bathroom door, rattles it, and points to the tub. Ok, I get it! Bath time. She splashes and plays and has started to help washing her dirty bits. Sometimes we have "tea," playing with a little bathtub tea set. Last night, she just sat in the middle of the giant tub and "sang" to me. The cats thought she was crazy, but I thought it was delightful. Now when she decides she's done, she (whether I like it or not), climbs out of the tub and crawls into my lap. If I'm not on the ball with the towel, I wind up soaked, much to her delight.

Passing her first birthday has vividly reminded me how fleeting this precious time is. So it's now time to wake up, slow down, and stay engaged and in the moment with her before the moment passes.

The cat thinks she's crazy...

Bath time!

Working on her teeth.

Boo!

the big one

That first year came and went in the blink of an eye. It was such an amazing, transformative experience. Approaching this first birthday has been indescribably emotional and beautiful. These past couple of days have been a vivid replay of all the thoughts, feelings, and experiences I've had since Squirt was born and it has been intense, but healing. My heart feels bigger, my soul more peaceful. Right now everything is still too near the surface for me to write about. That will have to come later. For now, here are just a few snapshots of this first wonderful, unforgettable year.

Moments after birth. Daddy stayed with her as the doctors buzzed around.

Brand new Squirt.

Napping after her first meal with Mommy.

Home! One week old!

One of her first baths.

Her first hike - just a few weeks old.

Visiting the zoo for the first time - two months old.

Trying to figure this guy out on his birthday - three months old.

Practicing her push-ups - three(ish) months old.

Enjoying the warmth outdoors after a bath - four months old.

 Nap time in her sling - four(ish) months old.

Marvelling at the fish in the aquarium - five(ish) months old.

Scaling the climbing wall - five months old.

Paper!!! At her six month checkup.

Balloon fiesta! Six months old.

Cheeeeese! Seven(ish) months old.

More cheese - around eight months old.

In Daddy's shoe box - nine months old.

Laughing at Momma - ten months old.

Running through the park with her dino buddy - eleven months old.

A family hike at the top of the world for her first birthday!

Looking down on the city. Welcome to the world, Squirt!

Ready to explore the great, wide world!

One beautiful year old!

labor pains

Getting to this first birthday has proven surprisingly challenging. I knew to expect an emotional roller coaster, but wasn't prepared for the Kingda Ka... I'm happy and sad, elated and devastated, ok and meh. You name it, all at once.

I'm having a hard time just getting TO Squirt's birthday. I'm really scared of it. Crazy, but I am. I feel like my soul is vibrating a few inches outside of my body. The flashbacks have come back with a vengeance, but so, too, have the joyful memories. Right now, at this moment, the sense of isolation is strong, almost overpowering. All of the feelings of lonliness I've had this past year seem to have drawn together into one giant pool that I'm trying to wade through. I felt so lonely, but hopeful, in the weeks, days, hours before labor started. I felt so lonely and terrified as she was being taken from me. I felt so lonely, but determined, during the hospital stay. Then for a long period as I recovered, I just felt lonely. I needed more help, more hugs, more celebration of what I had accomplished, though I wasn't strong enough, emotionally or physically, to say such. On this roller coaster, I've relived the anger I've held this past year for the people closest to me. I've also relived the deep, unconditional love I have for those same people. I've bounced between a sense of utter defeat and empowerment.

One year ago this evening, I went into labor. It was exciting. It was good. Tomorrow is a strange day - one full day of labor. I had no sense of time or space. I was in this strange, silent bubble as I labored and screamed, as things went from optimistic and good to terrifying and painful. My bubble was shattered by a fast, flashing ambulance packed with loud, strange men... The next day, Lily was brought into the world by a complete stranger. And the universe became a better place. The world outside sang! Flowers bloomed fragrantly, rainbows kissed the sky, the moon smiled down on the earth! She came into the world not with a sigh or a whimper, but with a roaring scream: "I AM HERE!" My little warrior woman, born of the sword, came with a voice that would never be silenced.

My world - THE world - will never be the same. But for now, I just have to breathe through every wave of memory and emotion. While those last surges brought Squirt ever closer to me, now I wonder what these surges will bring. I hope they bring me on the other side, stronger, happier, balanced. I know these are just waves and will pass. Her birthday is the most amazing day of my life and is to be celebrated, regardless how it played out. Despite the challenge, or maybe because of it, her birth was an amazing, transformative experience. It underscored how very strong we both are and how truly treasured life is. What a wonderful day!

The big day is just around the corner.



mwah

In less than one week, Squirt will turn one. (Wow!) She has already received one of her birthday presents - a semester of Music Together classes. She loves music, especially if it has a good beat (in fact, she now often discovers and dances to the "good beats" of the most mundane sounds, like a churning washing machine). She's only attended one of these classes so far and was a bit shy around the new faces, but she seemed to really enjoy herself. I think that, as she grows more familiar with the other children, she will really start to blossom and learn new ways of experiencing and sharing music. Along this theme, I've added a new element to her evening routine. As we start to unwind and before we snuggle up and read, we now sit at our little keyboard on the floor and play some of the songs from the new music book. She watches, dances, and sometimes tries to play her own music. She's beginning to really understand where the music comes from and how to make her own. It's such a great pleasure to share music with her!

On top of her new explorations of music, Squirt has become consumed with mastering some new skills. While she has the basics down pat (self-feeding, walking, waving), she has recently began practicing finer skills, such as using utensils, kissing, and dressing. She stabs almost maniacally at her dinner plate with whichever utensil I dare to hand her. Sometimes she manages to skewer a chunk of food, which she then masterfully feeds to herself. It was hilariously entertaining to watch her get to this point, though. When she was first contemplating how to use her fork, she would hold it, pick up a piece of food, place it on the fork, then beam with pride. She would then remove that piece of food and eat it. Close, so close...

One of my favorite new skills that she's trying to master is kissing. She's been giving slobbery, awkward "kisses" for months, but has just recently figured out how to pucker up and smack. And when she wants to kiss you, she WILL kiss you! She grabs at your shirt, hair, face - anything she can get her little hands on - pulls you to her, and plants a giant kiss on you with an enthusiastic "mwah!" She's also started blowing kisses! If you blow a kiss to her, she will kiss in her hand and then wave it at you. It's so adorable and heart warming!

There's one "skill" that I'm not as excited about. She is increasingly interested in her clothing. She tries to put things on, but she also takes things off... When I walked into her room at daycare yesterday, she was running around, squealing, and twirling her dress over her head! She had figured out how to work the buckles and was having great fun taking her dress off then trying (and failing) to put it back on. She has figured out how her diapers work, too. If she's in the right mood, she will pull at the tabs and run around the house with a bare bottom. Since I don't care much for the filthy, threadbare carpet in our house, I don't mind this too horribly much and hope this is a sign that she'll be easy to potty train... On the flip side of this new skill, she is actually trying to learn how to put things on, too. Yesterday evening we spent a half hour (I wish I were exaggerating) just putting her shoes on and taking them off and putting them back on. She was fascinated and absolutely determined to figure out how to do it herself. With her level of determination, I think she'll have this down pat very soon.

Watching Squirt reach the big milestones - sitting, crawling, walking - has been exciting. Watching her try to master these smaller skills is just as wonderful. It's so amazing to watch this little creature who, just one year ago, was still in my belly. It's amazing how quickly she grew and how much she has developed! While this first year and the giant milestones that come with it are drawing to a close, I'm possibly even more excited about this upcoming year. This is when she's really going to start exploring the world (whether I like it or not). So many new adventures (and kisses) await!

Helping momma check out the sale flyers.

Dresses go in wagons, not on little girls, don'cha know?

Mwah!

a little perspective

Squirt's tantrums have reached a new level. I thought wailing, kicking, and throwing herself dramatically onto the floor was as far as it would go. Well, I have learned a very valuable lesson in her one-uppery skills. Yesterday at daycare, she threw the worst tantrum they ever saw (they had the audacity to take away her sippy cup after she had repeatedly been dumping it out on the table), culminating in her holding her breath long enough for her lips to turn blue. Understandably, her caregivers were scared and promptly gave her back her cup (and an extra snack and a hug and a toy...). I was initially very frustrated by this whole situation - first off by her behavior, and then because they "gave in." I started wondering what I would do if she ever did something like that with me and started to worry that she would start holding her breath now all the time just to get something that she wanted... I began to see my precious, kind-hearted little girl as a manipulative, selfish brat, which just didn't seem to fit and hurt my heart to think. I started to brainstorm about what I needed to do to "improve" her behavior.

But then I talked with my midwife, who shared her experiences and helped me to see this situation from a different perspective. Right now, Squirt is full of thoughts and emotions (obviously) about the world around her that she can't yet effectively communicate. She's frustrated, scared, excited, you name it. She has big, big feelings that she wants to share, but we just don't get them, and that makes her more frustrated. On top of this, in retrospect, her biggest tantrums seem to stem from her confusion. I have always taught her to share, explore, and try new things. She has quite an outburst when I don't share something with her (oh, like my glass of wine), let her explore somewhere (like the busy street), or let her try something new (like sticking a pen in the power outlet). She doesn't understand why these actions are "bad" when other, similar actions are ok.

Thinking about it like this has definitely changed my approach. It's not her behavior that needs to be improved upon; instead, I need to improve my ability to empathize and better understand her perspective. I need to learn ways to communicate more effectively with her while teaching her more effective means of expression. I think consistency will also be key here. If something is "bad," it needs to always be "bad," not just when I'm on a short fuse. The same is true of "good" things - they can't be "bad" when I'm having a bad day.

While I have no doubts that I have countless more tantrums in my future, I hope this new perspective of them will help me to diffuse them easier and, perhaps, prevent some from even starting. I also hope to be able to better communicate with Squirt so we can be happier and grow together even more.

Frustrated that nobody "gets" it. It's tough being a baby!

How could this innocent little creature ever have a hissy fit?

two weeks and one day

Today was Squirt's "due date" last year. Little did we know at the time, however, that she was not going to join our family for another two weeks and one day. We were so very ready to meet her and I, personally, was getting pretty tired of being pregnant - nine months and a billion days and counting...

Those two weeks and one day were, without a doubt, the longest days of my life, each drawing out impossibly more than the last. On the other hand, these upcoming two weeks and one day seem like the shortest of my life, each one taking me ever closer to my beloved girl's first birthday. Where did this year go? I look at my little, giggling girl as she runs and babbles and dances, not even a year old, and wonder where my sweet baby went. It seems like just yesterday she was this strange traveler in my belly, kicking books off my belly and tickling my ribs with her toes. Now she is on the outside, laying against my belly as she flips through those books, still tickling my ribs with her toes.

I can't imagine a day without this strange little traveler. She is such a delight. Now to try and savor these last fleeting moments of her infancy...

Two weeks and one day shy of one year old.

Cheesing it up.

Enjoying her freedom! There is so much world to explore.

staying put

For the last several weeks, I have been tossing around the concept of moving Squirt to another daycare center when she turns one. I am not, nor ever have been, completely excited about her current center. They don't allow cloth diapers, they don't allow outside food, and babies over twelve months have to wear "real" shoes. I really lost it when foods like Cheerios and saltine crackers started repeatedly popping up on Squirt's food log (she has a doctor's note on file forbidding gluten). And so began my search for the "ideal" daycare center. This was a very emotional search for me. It reminded me how little time I get to spend with Squirt during the day and I loathe the fact that I can't be with her more. Frustrated, sad, I interviewed several centers and home providers, asked billions of questions, but none of them seemed good enough. This place allows cloth diapers, but not outside food. That place helps with potty training and allows outside food, but is over $200 a week. That other place allows breastmilk and soft-soled shoes/bare feet after twelve months, but is on the opposite side of town... It was very tiring. After some serious heartache and alot of hard thought, I finally decided to keep Squirt in her current daycare center. The biggest reason being proximity - she is currently mere minutes away from me. I can easily visit her every single day during my lunch break and still have time to eat. If she's having a particularly rough day, I can just pop in for a few minutes. If she has an accident, I can be there almost immediately.

The day that I made this decision something happened to validate that it was the best one. That afternoon, when I walked out of the center with her to go home all of the streets were a parking lot. The base gates were locked down and traffic was at a standstill. It was backed up so much that I couldn't even back my car out of our parking spot! So I dropped her belongings off in my car, walked through the cars full of exasperated workers, and went straight to the park across the street. We played there for the half hour that everyone else was stuck in traffic waiting to start moving. It was wonderful. Had I decided to transfer her to another center, I wouldn't have been able to get to her! I would have been stressed and she would have been lonely. This event just reminded me that spending time with her is more important than almost anything right now.

So today, a beautiful, warm Friday afternoon, I decided to take her out on a long-overdue lunch date. I packed up some food, whisked her out of daycare, and took her across the street to the park. We ate and played and had a wonderful time. It was a wonderful escape, and one we couldn't have had if she had transferred to a different center. I think, for now, we're staying put.

Swinging away the time and waiting for traffic to start moving.

Running through the grass on our lunch date.

Playing on our lunch date.

Getting ready to make music on the chimes at the playground.

Staying put.